Film Review: Catalina Caper (1967)

Also known as: Never Steal Anything Wet
Release Date: April 26th, 1967
Directed by: Lee Sholem
Written by: Sam Pierce, Clyde Ware
Music by: Jerry Long
Cast: Tommy Kirk, Brian Cutler, Venita Wolf, Ulla Stromstedt, Lyle Waggoner, Del Moore, Sue Casey, Peter Duryea, Jim Begg, Mike Blodgett, Robert Donner, Little Richard

Crown International Pictures, Warner Bros., 84 Minutes

Review:

This was one, if not the last, of the traditional 1960s beach party movies. That’s about the only really important distinction this film has though. Well, except for the fact that the movie features Little Richard rocking out on a boat for a bunch of spastic white kids.

Catalina Caper is a hard film to follow. I’ve seen it a few times, thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000, but I never have any idea what the hell is happening in this film. Things don’t make sense in this picture and frankly, it’s too much of a bore and a chore to try and spend any time whatsoever trying to decipher it. There is nothing to decipher, it isn’t one of those really intellectual artsy films, it is basically a doggy bag full of doggy shit instead of leftover pesto risotto.

There are boats and dancing teens and a caper involving the theft of a scroll and again, Little Richard. Poor, poor Little Richard having to be associated with this boring dud. I hope he got paid but looking at the production value of this movie, he probably just got a slice of Hawaiian pizza and a foot rub. At least he got to find more serious roles after this like that episode of Full House where he played Michelle’s friend Denise’s uncle.

Awful would be one way to describe this film but that is kind of vague and truly an understatement. Catalina Caper is what happens when a bunch of talentless hacks decide to make a movie in a genre that was already dying. Now you can’t say that it is a movie that missed the boat. It is barely a movie and even though there are boats in Catalina Caper the people behind this steaming pile of mongoose diarrhea pretty much just walked off of the dock, blindly and without a life vest or the ability to swim. I hope their corpses are still under that shallow water, getting their skulls smacked by asshole Chubbie-wearing dude brahs Sea-Dooing doughnuts while tossing crushed cans of Bud Light Lime into the ocean.

I don’t hate Catalina Caper because I refuse to allow it to have any sort of power over me. I just view it in the same way I view an overflowing dumpster behind the food court; I plug my nose, shake my head and walk by full of disgust while trying not to trip over the Shih Tzu-sized rats rushing towards it.

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