Film Review: Private School (1983)

Release Date: June 29th, 1983
Directed by: Noel Black
Written by: Dan Greenburg, Suzanne O’Malley
Music by: Rick Springfield
Cast: Phoebe Cates, Betsy Russell, Matthew Modine, Michael Zorek, Ray Walston, Sylvia Kristel

Universal Pictures, 88 Minutes

Review:

“That’s the finest example of bareback riding I’ve ever seen.” – Miss Dutchbok

Teen sex comedies have never been the same since the 80s ended. Sure, we’ve had a few classics, here and there. However, even though these films were a dime a dozen in the early 80s, they typically had some charm. While that could be nostalgia talking, I feel like this style of film just fit well with 80s pop culture and humor.

Private School is not a classic in the same vain as Fast Times At Ridgemont High, which is the true masterpiece of the genre because it is much more than just a teen sex comedy. However, Private School features both Phoebe Cates and Ray Walston from Fast Times and also tried to piggyback on that film’s success.

On a side note, Phoebe Cates was my first crush as a young kid and she made me come to the realization that girls were something I should desire and that no woman would ever compare to Phoebe Cates. And truth be told, I didn’t even see her breasts in Ridgemont High until I was a teenager and realized that the VHS version of the film had some things in it that weren’t shown on television. Mainly just boobies, drugs and a more colorful approach to the English language – all fun stuff.

Private School is still enjoyable for its absurdity. Also, it has that scene where Betsy Russell rides topless on a horse in glorious slow motion. And she is pretty much naked or close to naked throughout the whole film, which is something you just don’t get to see anymore because communists have taken over Hollywood in an effort to destroy the young red-blooded American male sex drive. Without their libido, the Red Chinese win. But more importantly, we can only see boobs in porn and everyone wants to slap our wrists now if we watch that good all-American smut.

What’s the big deal? Europeans don’t have a problem with sex and frankly, we’re supposed to be the trendsetters in the entertainment industry. I apologize to Europe on behalf of America if we somehow influence you guys to lose boobies in your movies. Please don’t, I’ll pay big bucks for Euro boobies, especially when they’re thirty feet tall over my head in a dark room.

Anyway, there isn’t much plot to this movie. Mainly, Betsy Russell wants to steal Phoebe Cates’ boyfriend a.k.a. Matthew Modine – the evil guy from Stranger Things. She tries to achieve this by taking her shirt off a lot. The rest of the film is really just a series of funny skits and gags, which is typical of this sort of movie.

Private School is a pretty okay movie. It is fun and it has some good bits, like everything featuring Ray Walston. But it is mostly a film about the greatness of Betsy Russell’s immaculate body. Even though I love Phoebe Cates, she doesn’t do much here other than make pouty faces and keep her clothes on.

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