Film Review: Carrots and Peas (1969)

Release Date: 1969
Directed by: Hollis Frampton

Janus Films, 5 Minutes

Review:

“…” (*fucking gibberish) – Narrator

Since getting a subscription to FilmStruck’s streaming service with the Criterion Channel add-on, I’ve had access to a lot of great and amazing films. However, there has to be a low end of every spectrum and that brings me to this short film by Hollis Frampton, Carrots and Peas.

This was five minutes of utter shit. In fact, it was five minutes of utter pretentious shit.

In my lifetime, thus far, I’ve seen thousands of films long and short. I’ve also seen many that are bizarre, nonsensical and pointless. Some of those I have even liked for one strange reason or another. Carrots and Peas, however, is not only a waste of time but it is a vacuum that sucks in a bunch of surrounding time. It is only five minutes but after the experience, you feel numb, confused and it’s as if days have passed. This film in an infinite loop would be a more effective means of torture than waterboarding… and probably even less humane.

Carrots and Peas is five minutes of staring at the same scene you see pictured in its poster (above and to the right). Except, it is synced to some weird, indecipherable dialogue. Apparently, Frampton wanted to use this as a way to show the contrast between the dark green of peas and the bright orange of carrots. The mumbled psychotic speech is to represent how you are to be lost in the scene and therefore, not paying attention to the person speaking to you. Whatever, Frampton. Actually, fuck you, Frampton.

This is the type of shit pretentious assholes pretend has meaning as they watch repeatedly trying to decipher the hidden messages and make sense out of it. Some people think that is art. I think it is a way to spot a bunch of fuck nuggets that are afraid of being exposed as bullshit artists.

By the way, I do art for a living. I’ve been a professional artist for fifteen years, an amateur one my entire life, and I’m not going to pretend that this film secretly represents anything profound.

This isn’t going to unlock a wormhole to some fantastical land in your head and it certainly isn’t going to be some sort of mirror vomiting catharsis all over your face. It is an ugly and stupid experiment and peas are a shitty vegetable. Also, I prefer carrots raw and not cooked.

I once went commando and accidentally zipped up part of my genitals. Compared to this short film, that painful experience was enjoyable.

Does this deserve to go in the Cinespiria Shitometer? Hell no! I will not make my precious Shitometer suffer through this five minute train wreck of dreck, as I have.

I wish I made a Love Tester graphic that had zero. So this begrudgingly gets a one out of ten. It’s really a zero, though.

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