Film Review: All Monsters Attack (1969)

Also known as: Gojira-Minira-Gabara: Oru kaijû daishingeki, lit. Godzilla’s Revenge (Japan)
Release Date: December 20th, 1969 (Japan)
Directed by: Ishirō Honda
Written by: Shinichi Sekizawa
Music by: Kunio Miyauchi
Cast: Tomonori Yazaki, Kenji Sahara, Machiko Naka

Toho, 69 Minutes

Review:

All Monsters Attack a.k.a. Godzilla’s Revenge is a film that a lot of people hate. And I’m not talking just people… I’m talking about actual fans of Godzilla. I guess because the film is just some little boy’s fantasy and most of the action is comprised of stock footage from the battles that took place in earlier films. Whatever, I still like this picture and I’ll explain why.

First of all, it’s a f’n Godzilla movie in an era where the franchise was the most magical and fun. Secondly, it’s about a bullied kid trying to work out his problems for himself, even if he becomes a bit of a dick at the end. Thirdly, the film is the boy’s fantasy but what young fan of the “King of Monsters” didn’t fantasize about the monster? Fourthly, aren’t all the Godzilla films just someone else’s fantasy, anyway? Fifthly, maybe the stock footage used in the boy’s fantasies is really just his memories of the battles he’s already witnessed, as we the audience have?

But I guess people hate Godzilla’s son Minya too but I’ve never figured out why. Sure, he’s goofy and odd. He looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy sans hat and covered in sculptor’s clay. But to a person that experienced the Godzilla franchise as a kid, he sort of represented all of us because which kid din’t want to go into battle alongside Godzilla? And if he wasn’t bizarre enough to begin with, he actually shrinks down to human boy size and talks with the kid in this movie. In fact, they become quick chums, as both are trying to deal with their own bully.

This is also one of those Godzilla island movies, which are some of my favorite because I’ve always loved the style and culture of the Pacific Islands and the Tiki aesthetic overall. Sure, these films were done in this style for budgetary reasons, as crushing giant cities in every movie became really expensive, but the style of these pictures has always worked for me and made them more fantastical.

This is a silly movie but that’s okay. The Godzilla films weren’t all that serious after the first one, anyway. This is also a really short picture at a meager 70 minutes. But it packs in a lot of action, has the kid foil the plot of bank robbers and overcome his bully nemesis.

Now I can’t say that this is a great movie or even a very good one but I enjoy it almost because of its cheapness, its flaws and its oddness. I can see why people dismiss this film but I like feel good stories and I’ve watched all of these films so many times that the stock footage bits sort of just happen without it really pulling me out of the story. And with all of this happening within a little boy’s imagination, actually makes the stock footage material work.

Film Review: Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula (1966)

Release Date: April 14th, 1966
Directed by: William Beaudine
Written by: Carl K. Hittleman
Music by: Raoul Kraushaar
Cast: John Carradine, Chuck Courtney

Embassy Pictures, 73 Minutes

Review:

“Your bullets can’t hurt me.” – Dracula

This is a dreadful picture but the premise is bizarre enough to keep things somewhat amusing.

While Billy the Kid looks like he’s 37, at least they got an actual Dracula actor to play the Count in this film: John Carradine. I feel bad for Carradine for even being in this, however. The script is not worth his time and it serves to make him look like a dime store vampire impersonator.

Billy the Kid doesn’t feel like Billy the Kid, either. He’s too old and just doesn’t have the energy one would expect. He’s like a cookie cutter background character from an episode of Bonanza instead of being one of the deadliest and most charismatic guns in the West.

The special effects are terrible. The creepy red lighting that appears on Carradine’s face when he’s using vampire powers is laughably bad. The sets are just someone’s backyard with a double-wide outhouse serving as the entrance to a mine.

It’s symbolic though, because as obsessed as Carradine’s Dracula was with the mine entrance, it’s like he had to keep returning to it to confirm he was a part of a truly shitty experience.

At least Melinda Plowman, the girl Billy and Dracula were fighting over, was pretty cute. That’s about the only positive, however.

Of course, this must be run through the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Type 2 Stool: Sausage-shaped but lumpy.”

Film Review: Village of the Giants (1965)

Release Date: October 20th, 1965
Directed by: Bert I. Gordon
Written by: Bert I. Gordon, Alan Caillou
Based on: The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth by H.G. Wells
Music by: Jack Nitzsche, The Beau Brummels
Cast: Tommy Kirk, Johnny Crawford, Beau Bridges, Joy Harmon, Robert Random, Tisha Sterling, Toni Basil, Ron Howard

Berkeley Productions, Embassy Pictures, Joseph E. Levine Productions, 81 Minutes

Review:

“I’m hungry too. What’s for breakfast?” – Elsa, “Sheriff, on toast.” – Fred

A movie with Ron Howard and Beau Bridges in it that is based off of an H.G. Wells story? Well, at least it sounds good on paper.

This movie was featured in an early Mike Nelson episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and I guess this was one of the few that I have never seen because I would have remembered this bizarre train wreck of pure, unadulterated awesomeness.

These juvenile delinquents that are overly delinquently and dance like cracked out schmucks every chance they get, come into contact with this chemical that makes living things grow to much larger proportions.

However, before we even get a town ravaged by kaiju sized teen douches, we get to see ducks the size of rhinos dancing around in a nightclub. We also get to see one get barbecued, which was kind of sad because a one ton party duck isn’t just something you skewer, set on fire and cover in Sweet Baby Ray’s! These dumb kids could have paraded that duck around from town to town getting lots of money from curious rednecks and baffled farm folk.

This film is terrible but it’s that extraordinary kind of terrible where it has just enough bizarre kookiness to make it pretty unique and quite entertaining. I can’t realistically give this even an average rating but I was charmed by the absurdity of it and for the fact that it is a fun dumb movie. It’s nowhere near as bad as most of the dreck you’ll see on MST3K and if I were to make a list of best movies to watch that were featured by MST3K, this would be high up on that list.

Village of the Giants is stupid but its a stupid you can laugh at and enjoy.

Film Review: Superargo and the Faceless Giants (1968)

Also known as: L’invincibile Superman (original), Superargo the Giant, The King of Criminals, Superargo (UK)
Release Date: January 26th, 1968 (Italy)
Directed by: Paolo Bianchini
Written by: Julio Buchs
Music by: Berto Pisano
Cast: Giovanni Cianfriglia, Guy Madison, Luisa Baratto

G. V. Cinematografica, Societa Europea Cinematografica, Izaro Films, 102 Minutes

Review:

This film is actually a sequel to an earlier Superargo film. I’ve been trying to track that one down to no avail. But since this one is readily available on a few streaming services, I figured that I’d check it out, as it’s a film that has been mentioned a lot in some of my circles over the years.

It is an Italian film that features a superhero detective similar to Batman. In fact, Superargo looks like a mixture of Batman and The Phantom. He is actually an ex-professional wrestler and he wears his wrestling costume because it gave him good luck in the ring. I guess it didn’t give him good luck though when the girl in the film was kidnapped while under his care.

The film is cheesy and over the top. It is colorful but not quite as colorful as an Italian giallo film. The action is pretty decent for what you can expect from an old school Italian action bonanza. But the film is so hokey that you kind of dismiss some of its faults. Really, it is exciting and has a lot of energy.

The movie is fairly nonsensical and strange but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t an entertaining ride. It has a coolness about it and almost feels like the Italian version of the ’60s Batman show, as well as having strong similarities to those Mexican movies featuring the lucha libre legend El Santo.

Superargo and the Faceless Giants makes me wish I had access to the first film. However, when and if it does pop up somewhere I can check it out, I am much more motivated after having experienced this chapter in the two film series.

Film Review: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

Also known as: Diabolical Dr. Voodoo, The Incredibly Mixed Up Zombie, Cabaret der Zombies (Germany), The Incredibly Strange Creatures, Teenage Psycho Meets Bloody Mary (reissue title)
Release Date: February 10th, 1964 (Biddeford, Maine)
Directed by: Ray Dennis Steckler
Written by: Gene Pollock, Robert Silliphant, E. M. Kevke
Music by: Andre Brummer, Libby Quinn
Cast: Cash Flagg, Carolyn Brandt, Brett O’Hara, Atlas King, Sharon Walsh, Madison Clarke

Fairway International Pictures, 82 Minutes

Review:

“We’ve got twenty beautiful girls and only ten beautiful costumes!” – Barker

My god, man… this is one of the worst films that I have ever seen!

I’m not really sure what the hell happened in the elapsed time of me watching this film. There’s scantily clad girls dancing, a weird psychic lady with an unattractive mole and just some bizarre shit.

I feel like I got sucked into one of the long and drawn out hypnosis moments in the film because I blacked out for an unknown amount of time, only to wake up covered in blood and bird feathers. I don’t think it was effective hypnosis though, I just think it unlocked some insane part of my brain due to how absolutely atrocious this psychotic shit festival was.

This was featured on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. While I love that show, this is beneath them. Yes… something is beneath MST3K! In fact, I’m kind of mad at them for even resurrecting this pile of Sasquatch dung. It could have died a long time ago but they immortalized it.

There isn’t much to say about this other than to warn people away. But maybe I’ll use the time to list out five things that would be a better use of your time than watching this.

***Disclaimer: DO NOT actually do anything from this list. I am not responsible for you being a moron without a brain. So if you do these things and want to sue someone, sue your parents for raising a fuck up.***

  1. See how many pennies you can fit in your mouth.
  2. Throw darts at your foot.
  3. Kick a beehive and wait around for a second.
  4. Get ink for your quill by squeezing it out of a live octopus.
  5. Tell Brock Lesnar “wrestling is fake” to his face.

This thing really is friggin’ dreadful. That being said, it has to be run through the Cinespiria Shitometer. And the results read, “Type 6 Stool: Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool.”

Film Review: The Castle of the Living Dead (1964)

Also known as: Il castello dei morti vivi (original Italian title), Crypt of Horror (alternate)
Release Date: August 5th, 1964 (Italy)
Directed by: Warren Kiefer
Written by: Warren Kiefer
Music by: Angelo Francesco Lavagnino
Cast: Christopher Lee, Gaia Germani, Philippe Leroy, Donald Sutherland

Serena Film, Filmsonor, Cineriz, 90 Minutes

Review:

I’ll watch anything with Christopher Lee in it. And even though he’s been in some dreadful pictures out of the 280 credits he has on IMDb, he is always a bright spot in them. This isn’t one of those dreadful pictures but it’s also not very good. It’s in a weird limbo.

The Castle of the Living Dead is also the first film with Donald Sutherland in it. He started his career playing triple duty, as he has three different roles in this. Maybe the studio could only afford five actors but they needed seven characters.

If the plot is anything, it is bizarre.

We have a group of carnival folk who arrive at Count Drago’s (Lee) castle to entertain him. What the carnies don’t know, is that he is a mad scientist that mummifies humans and animals with some mysterious liquid. The token carnival midget figures out something is shady and he tries to be the hero. Apart from a scene where the midget literally gets thrown off of a castle turret by a zombie, he does save the day in the end.

This was a film where the production was pretty much a clusterfuck. Directors changed, staff changed and it isn’t really known who should get credit for what. It’s possible that Mario Bava worked on some of the film’s special effects. However, things here certainly feel beneath Bava’s level of talent.

This is a dirty looking film with bad sound and a disorienting presentation. Scenes that I assume are supposed to be at night, are shot in daylight with a lot of shadows added in but the contrast between the darkness and obvious sunlight is strange.

The Castle of the Living Dead is only really worth checking out if you love Lee, Sutherland or gratuitous dwarf abuse. Even at ninety minutes, it is too long for a picture of its style and quality from its era.

 

Film Review: Navajo Joe (1966)

Also known as: A Dollar a Head (US working title), Navajo’s Land, Red Fighter, Savage Run (alternate titles)
Release Date: November 26th, 1966 (Italy)
Directed by: Sergio Corbucci
Written by: Dean Craig, Fernando Di Leo, Ugo Pirro
Music by: Ennio Morricone (credited as Leo Nichols)
Cast: Burt Reynolds, Aldo Sanbrell, Nicoletta Machiavelli, Tanya Lopert, Fernando Rey, Franca Polesello, Lucia Modugno

Dino de Laurentiis Cinematografica, C.B. Films, Dear Film, United Artists, 93 Minutes

Review:

“My father was born here, in the mountains. His father before him and his father before him and his father before him. Where was your father born?” – Joe

I have never seen Navajo Joe, which is probably a crime, as I love spaghetti westerns and consider myself an aficionado of them. I especially love the western films of Sergio Corbucci and I have always been a big fan of Burt Reynolds, a man too cool for just about anyone they put him in a movie with. Also, this has one of the greatest scores that Ennio Morricone ever did. In fact, some of this songs here have been reused in other films.

Burt Reynolds plays Joe, a Navajo badass that wants to avenge the slaughter of some of his people and his woman. He tracks the killers and finds that they are taking advantage of a desert town and that someone in the town is working with them. He offers his services to the citizens at one dollar a head, to be paid by each person in town. The town is reluctant to pay Joe and realistically, if Joe is just planning on getting revenge, he should just go for it. But I guess making some money isn’t a bad thing. He gets mixed up with a local woman of Navajo decent but ultimately, only cares about his dead love. Navajo Joe is a true drifter with revenge in his heart. He’s got no time for love, only time for justice served with a hearty helping of lead.

Corbucci, one of the three Sergios of Spaghetti Westerns, made this film just after Ringo and His Golden Pistol and his most famous classic Django. This is a film that carries on the quality that Corbucci westerns were known for. While it isn’t quite the masterpiece that Django was, it is still a balls-to-the-wall violent action epic that will leave you satisfied. Revenge stories are great and adding in Burt Reynolds was a pretty cool touch, even if Corbucci didn’t know how great the man would become, as this is very early in his acting career.

The action sequences were well shot and very fluid. I liked the fighting style of Reynolds’ Joe as he slithered around the dirt and in and out of the train, killing off scumbags in the process. The film’s action was well choreographed, unique and interesting.

Navajo Joe is a good western and after seeing it, it would have been cool if Reynolds and Corbucci did a few more. I liked Reynolds in this role a lot and this played really well, mainly because the script was good and Corbucci is just a great director that probably deserves more credit outside of his preferred genre.